What's Wrong with Being Confident?
Self-Esteem and Confidence Building in Children and Teens
Thank you Demi Lovato for this song-What's Wrong with Being Confident? For my preteen and teenage clients, this is everything.
I know, you are saying, but Charlie seems so confident and independent, he is never home and we know he is social and has lots of friends and does well in school.
But underneath, your child has a world of feelings-often insecure about who they are and how they stack up. Even with the best parenting and secure attachment, your child probably is worried, sad, or feeling they need to compare themselves to their classmates.
So, what is wrong with being confident? Nothing-as long as there is space for your child/teen to express themselves and feel heard. As parents, we need to create opportunities for talking about insecurity or what happens when things aren't going well. As a suggestion, try a dinner time conversation with your kid about this and see what comes up. You may be surprise Charlie isn't as sure as he seems.
On the other hand, what about Sophie? She seems so insecure, always comparing herself to others and saying how she can't do this or that. How can we boost Sophie's self-confidence so she starts feeling better about herself.
Here are 3 Confidence Building Skills to Help Your Child-
1. Focus on Strenghts-When your child has automatic negative thoughts like "I can't" or "I'm not as good as....," start by helping Sophie identify her strengths-what is she good at? Does she see her own abilities? One of my favorite coping tools is to create a motivating playlist-this can include 3-5 "feel good" songs that become encouraging and boost your kids ego. As was said, What's wrong with being confident?
2. Positive Affirmations-I know, this sounds hokie but it works. Have your child make list of 5-10 positive affirmations they can say when they are feeling unsure of themselves. Some of my favorites:
- Peace begins with me.
- I can calm myself with my breath when I need to.
- .I believe in myself.
- I am surrounded by people who love me.
- I am brave.
- I am free to be myself.
- I love myself.
- It is safe to express my feelings.
3. Model your own Confidence-Children look at their parents for how to behave. Without being overtly obvious (ex. Look Sophie, this is how you can be confident), show your child how to be confident in many situations. For example, order lunch without worrying if you made a regrettable choice or make a decision on an outfit that would look good for that important meeting without changing 14 times.
Remember, this takes time.
If your child is still having a hard time, it could be useful to involve a mental health professional because may something else may be going on. I have seen kids with low self-esteem because of peer pressure, bullying or perfectionism. This can lead to anxiety or depression later on.